Master of the Master of Death
by Pure Infinity
Summary: Harry Potter was dead. Now he's the familiar (slave) of an annoying girl with pink hair. He would soon come to lament this strange turn of events.
1. Death Sucks

_Master of the Master of Death__  
__Chapter One__  
__Death Sucks_

Death is a horrible experience.

When I sacrificed myself, allowing Lord Voldemort to kill me, I had expected, hoped, for my afterlife to be peaceful. To be able to meet the friends and family I had lost. To finally gain respite from the horrors that had plagued my mortal existence.

And while yes, the 'next great adventure' _was_, in fact, very peaceful, there was something about a cold, dark void that made me look back in fondness upon having a psychopathic dark lord attempting to kill me. Ah, memories.

My name is Harry Potter. And I was so bored I could die. Again.

Suddenly, however, the silence was broken by the voice of a girl.

"My servant, that exists somewhere in this universe! My divine, beautiful, and powerful familiar! I wish and assert from the bottom of my heart... Answer my guidance!"

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I breathed in air. My eyes which, a moment ago, hadn't existed, comprehended light, once again. Sound pounded against my eardrums, the aftereffect of an explosion leaving slight vibrations behind. Smells, beautiful, wonderful smells, burst into my nostrils, offering only the lingering presence of burnt grass and dust.

A laugh ripped from me, the most joyous laugh I have ever laughed. For a moment I was stunned, experiencing a sensory overload that left me bereft of all reason.

Slowly, however, I became aware of my surroundings.

Standing above me, adorned in black school robes, was a petite teen with pink, curled hair. She was staring at me with undisguised horror, smoke billowing around her, the remnant of an explosion I had not seen.

I tried to think of something to say. What would my first words be, after so long? First impressions are important, and I felt that something clever or witty would be the way to go. Unfortunately, I have always been bad at opening lines.

"Right," I said. "So, this might be an odd thing to ask, but is your hair naturally pink, or...?"

The girl's eyebrow twitched slightly. "This... is divine, beautiful, and powerful?"

"I don't know about divine or powerful," I said. "But I've always thought myself as rather beautiful, if I do say so myself."

I shot the girl a shit-eating grin, earning a glare in response.

"Who are you?" She asked.

"Harry James Potter," I replied easily. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance."

I quickly leaned backwards, allowing my head to touch the grass, pulling my legs up into the air. Swiftly, I rocked forward, leaping onto my feat.

The girl jerked back, surprised by my sudden actions. To her merit, she quickly recovered.

"I'm not asking for your name!" She exclaimed. "Why did a commoner...? This can't be right. You can't be..."

"Can't be what?" I asked. "Honestly, I have no clue what you're talking about. It seems you're the one that brought me here, in any case. Thank you for that - seriously. Do you have any idea what it's like to be dead?"

"D-dead?" The girl asked, her thoughts temporarily derailed. "You were dead?"

"As a door nail," I confirmed. "I remember living, dying, nonexistence, the whole nine yards. And then I heard your voice. Now I'm here. Wherever here is."

Turning my attention from her, I glanced at the surrounding area. A large clump of people - all students, around the same age as the girl - surrounded us. Most were openly gawking at me. Several were whispering amongst themselves.

_"Only Louise the Zero would summon a human as a familiar."_

"Louise," I said. "Is that your name?"

She nodded.

"And I'm your... what? Familiar?"

She nodded again.

I shrugged. Whatever. Glancing down, I studied my body. I was wearing the same clothes as when I had died. Tattered looking robes, with distinct patterns of dirt and blood encrusting it. My trusty invisibility cloak was also still on my person. More important than that, however, I had wood in my pants.

Reaching into my pocket, I discreetly pulled out the wand contained within, holding it against my side. I gaped at the sight of what, was undeniably, the Elder Wand.

"Well," I muttered. "That's interesting."

Very interesting. What happened with Malfoy's wand? I'm pretty sure I had that with me when I died. Then again, my memory is rather shaky.

"What's interesting?" Louise asked.

"Nothing," I said, slipping the wand back into my pocket. I would deal with it later. "Anyway. Familiar. How does that work, exactly?"

Louise sighed, and lifted her own wand. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a commoner like you... You better be thankful."

With that, she tapped her wand against my head.

"Pentagon of the five elemental powers, grant your blessings upon this creature, and bind it as my familiar!"

Louise leaned forward, and her lips met mine.

I tensed. What was this about? I had just met this girl, and she was already kissing me? A bit forward, if you ask me. That said, what do I know? I could've been dead for a thousand years. Maybe this was how people greeted each other these days.

Well, I'll be damned if I don't embrace these modern customs. I hadn't canoodled with my best friend's sister for nothing, after all.

With a surge of courage, I deepened the kiss, placing my hands on her waist, and tilting her head back. My tongue prodded at her lips, demanding entrance.

In an instant, her lips had left mine, and Louise had leaped back, shock written on her features.

What an odd girl. She initiated the kiss, and yet acted with shock and horror when I took part in it.

My analysis of this strange courtship ritual was interrupted by a surge of pain emanating from my left hand, where a familiar symbol was being engraved, covering the faint scars that remained from my fifth year. It was unmistakably the symbol of the Deathly Hallows.

"How odd," I said. The pain didn't particularly bother me - I had existed in a state of nonexistence for what could have been a million years. I was grateful for any sensation, to be honest.

"You!" Louise exclaimed, pointing at me. "How dare you - how dare you do something like that!"

"Do what?" I asked.

"You know..." She muttered, her anger replaced by embarrassment. "K-kiss me."

I raised an eyebrow. "Hey, you're the one that kissed me, not the other way around."

Her temper rushed back in a flurry. "That was just to complete our contract!"

"Right," I said. "What contract?"

"The contract that makes you my familiar!"

"What does being a familiar entail exactly?"

"Basically," Louise said, a superior smirk appearing on her face. "It means I'm your master."

"Oh," I said. "Okay."

And strangely enough, I _was_ okay with the strange turn of events. I had spent what could have been an eternity in non-existence, and for some horrible reason, I remembered every excruciating moment of it. I wasn't thinking like the wizard I had been - in a way, I think being dead mixed up my head a bit.

In any case, that's how I became the familiar of Louise de La Vallière, otherwise known as Louise the Zero.

It would be a troublesome, humiliating experience. Still, it was better than being dead. Probably.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Standard "Louise summons a different familiar" fic. Probably won't follow the events of canon too closely - as a I hate rehashes. Updates may or may not come.


	2. Unanswered Questions

_Master of the Master of Death  
__Chapter Two  
__Unanswered Questions_

"So, Louise," I said. "I don't mean to question your authority or anything, but you've been pacing back and forth for the past hour now, and I'm becoming concerned."

We were currently in Louise's room, because apparently the students at this school got their own rooms.

Louise swirled around and glared at me. An outstretched finger found itself directly in my face.

"You!" She said. "You!"

"Me," I confirmed.

Louise flinched back, as if struck, and flopped down onto her bed. She pulled her pillow over her face, and moaned into it dramatically. "How could this happen to _me_? I wanted to summon a brilliant, amazing familiar to help with the war effort." She allowed the pillow to fall to the side, and she sat up, glaring at me. "Instead I got a useless commoner."

I blinked. I can't exactly remember the last time I've been called _that_. Then again, I didn't remember much these days. Part of being dead, I think. Seems to have jumbled me up a bit. My current personality doesn't seem to match my memories.

"I'm not useless."

"Oh really?" Louise said, a sneer marring her face. "Then what, exactly, are you good for, commoner?"

I blinked. "I'm good at things. I can, you know, do math and stuff."

Louise stared at me blankly.

"I kill Dark Lords in my spare time, if that makes you feel any better." I said.

Louise's room remained silent for a moment. Her eyes seemed to lose all hope. I was reminded, strangely, of Neville. Before he became awesome, that is.

"What?" I said. "Why are you looking at me like that? Do you need help finding your toad or something?"

"Not only is my familiar useless," Louise said. "He's also insane. This is my life now. I can't show my face in public anymore. I'm an embarrassment to my family, to the princess. I'm going to die alone, a constant failure in everything."

She seemed to be near tears. Poor girl, I'd better comfort her.

"You won't be alone, Louise. I promise." I offered her a charming smile that would have put Lockhart to shame, if he wasn't busy not having memories anyone. Or possibly being dead. "We social outcasts have to stick together, after all."

Louise began sobbing.

I've never been especially good at comforting girls.

* * *

Louise had ignored me for the rest of the night, and I had been content to fall asleep on the provided pile of hay - which I had, of course, cast a cushioning charm on.

The next day wasn't better. Louise seemed to be content to ignore me, even with me walking alongside her on her way to breakfast.

I didn't really care. It gave me a chance to see this _Tristanian Academy of Magic_ during the day to day activities. And I had to say, I found it lacking. No magical corridors, trick staircases - the paintings weren't even moving! In a magical school!

So far it seemed like a poor wizard's Hogwarts.

When I shared my concerns with Louise, she simply glared at me and said, "Keep your delusions to yourself, familiar."

She was really starting to grow on me.

Still, something was bothering me about the school. Beyond the fact that it was a second rate magic school. It was something in the air, I think.

Something familiar.

Out in the courtyard, students were practicing several different elemental spells on each other - all of which seemed to be designed specifically for battle. All the students Louise and I passed in the hallway seemed to have the same look on their face - grave, with an expectation for the worst. It was like an entire school of Snapes. Only not an unending Hell.

"Hey, Louise," I said.

The girl halted in the middle of the hallway. She pivoted on her feet so that she was facing me, a snarl on her face. "What? What do you want? What could you _possibly _want now, you useless familiar?"

"Just wondering," I said. "Why does it seem like the students are preparing for war?"

Louise stared at me like I was a particularly odd looking zoo animal. Not dissimilar, I suppose, to one looking at a boa constrictor that has just escaped from its exhibit, and was now planning a delightful vacation in Brazil. Not that I would know anything about that.

Louise sighed. "Obviously, you're a bit simple in the head, so I'll just treat you like a small child. Because we _are _at war, idiot." She paused. "Well, we're on the brink of it anyway."

"Oh," I said.

With that we continued walking.

"With who?" I asked.

Louise's pitying stare returned. "Come now, don't be ridiculous. Even a commoner like you would have heard of him."

I tilted my head, and shrugged.

Louise released something that sounded like a strangled cry of frustration. Possibly because it was. "Where have you been for the last six years?"

"Dead," I said. "Also probably for a long time before that. Things have sort of changed since I was alive. Lots of stuff, in fact. Did you know that there are two moons now?"

"Right," Louise said. "Like a small child."

She rudely decided not to answer any more of my questions - which is only fair, as she is completely amazing and perfect in every way.

The Deathly Hallows symbols on my hand offered up a twinge.

* * *

The Dining Hall was similar to Hogwarts' Great Hall, only smaller and less cool. Also the food looked stupid. I was not impressed.

When I voiced my concerns, Louise snorted.

"Then it's a good thing you won't be eating at the table like the rest of us." She said, pointing at a plate with a piece of rubbery looking bread sitting atop it.

"To be honest, that seems even worse," I said. "I wouldn't feed that bread to a house elf. Not even a shitty one."

"I can't believe I'm asking this... but what, exactly, is a _house _elf?"

"You know. An elf. That lives in a house. And does chores and stuff."

"... I don't understand how you exist."

"Anyway," I said, "I think I'll have something from the table if you don't mind."

I eyed a dish that looked distinctly like pancakes.

"I do mind!" Louise said. "Those are for nobles, not stupid animal familiars like you!"

"I'm not an animal, so I don't see how that's relevant," I said, rolling my eyes. "Anyway, I'm not going to take any. I'll just duplicate it."

"What-"

I drew the elder wand, and pointed it at the dish on the table.

"_Geminio_," I intoned, swishing and flicking my wand. The dish split apart - creating a perfectly identical copy. I followed up with a quick undetectable extension charm (which, strangely, I don't remember learning how to cast), to create space for me at the table, and another duplication charm on Louise's chair.

I slipped the elder wand back into my pocket and took my seat at the table. "Anyway, what does a bloke have to do to get some pumpkin juice around here? Louise?"

I turned towards my pink haired master. She was staring at me in wide eyed shock.

I blinked. "Was it something I said?"

"Y-you!" She exclaimed.

"Me," I confirmed. What was she so worked up about now?

"You're a noble!" She yelled.

Strangely enough, the rest of the students in the Dining Hall seemed just as surprised.

"... I have no idea what you're on about."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Oh look, I ended up writing more for this story. And this time I actually have plans for it. As you may have noticed, a few changes have been made to the setting. This will be explained in time. Chapters will probably stick to this length. This is basically my "write when I'm bored" story, so I don't know when the next chapter will be coming - but it definitely come faster than the last one, now that I've decided to continue this. Anyway, thanks for reading.


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